Lazy Saturday

Today is another lazy Saturday.

I slept all the way to 7:00 a.m.

Though I didn't drink last night, I feel hung over and I am sore all over.The tops of my thighs  and my butt ache, even when I'm sitting still. Trying not to move at all is a goal. My trainer is a sadist. There was a new exercise where I lay across a bench, with my legs hanging off behind me. Then I raised my legs as high as I could. So now I have a bruise across my pelvic bone too. It was hard to concentrate on isolating my rear because I felt like I may fart at any minute.

That reminds me of the first time Darling Hubby visited me at my house, just a few weeks after we started seeing one another.  He was going to sit in the floor across from me. He bent down, and when he did, he let one rip. He froze. I froze. After a few tense moments, I spoke. "It's okay. That's one of those embarrassing things that we have to get past. And now it's over. We got it out of the way." It was one of my very favorite stories. It was a truly real moment, and he had been so vulnerable and embarrassed. But it was just another cute thing that happened between us, that helped me fall in love with him. Oh well. Again I digress.

I went through the Saturday morning routine that has become my ritual: dusting, cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming, laundry. I'm putting off the catbox for as long as possible. As usual. I hate that job. But I know it has to be done and with no one else here to do it, it falls to me. "The Bucket List" is providing my background noise today.  I keep rewinding it (Do you rewind a dvd? Of course not, but what other term should I use?), so I can I watch key parts. Problem with this movie, they are all key parts.

For the first time in two months, I don't have plans for tonight. I'm kinda relieved. An old friend tried to get me to go out with her last night, but I just couldn't muster the energy after my sadist... er...trainer  and I worked out. I barely got out of the car and practically crawled to the door.

I don't remember how I survived the partying when I was younger. I just know that I did. The never ending hodge-podge of people and places. Constantly in the presence of others, so I wouldn't have to be alone with myself.

But a person must learn to be alone and be happy with themselves first, before they can ever expect to be happy with anyone else.

That is the lesson that I am learning now. How to be alone and content.

I guess that I had been practicing the last few years of our marriage. Darling Hubby would watch football on the big tv in the living room, I would watch old movies in the bedroom. He always got to watch the big tv. I never understood that, and it was really selfish of him to expect it but I would always relinquish it to him. Sundays, we would always come together on the couch to watch a movie or old  reruns of shows we used to enjoy growing up. We'd also watch current shows that he had recorded on the dvr. We had several throughout the week. I miss those times. So simple, but it had meant a lot.

It has been a hard habit to break. Expecting someone else to be there to make me happy. But that is not the answer. You must be happy first. Then whatever happiness you find with someone else is just gravy. So True Happiness was within me all along. I had to find JOY within JOY!

Tomorrow I will try a new church, just up the street. I had heard very good things about it. I need  to make my way back to God.  I had put Him in a box and put Him away on a shelf. I had always blamed D/H for that, but it had been my own doing.  I never felt more joy in my life than I did at the time I was in true fellowship. I love praise music. It is uplifting and that is just what my spirit needs. I need to be bathed in The Word again,

 I had always known that I was saved, from the very first moment that it happened. The feeling of peace that day, the Tuesday before Easter the year I turned 12, was so overwhelming there was no doubt. Peace, that passes all understanding.

Seeking peace in this and all things.

~En-JOY

HI TECH DISHONESTY

Ladies,

Do you get sweet little text messages during the day from your man? Sweet electronic love notes on your phone telling you how beautiful you are, or how much he loves you? It may not be him.

Sorry to disappoint you....It might ACTUALLY  be The BroApp

High Tech Dishonesty at it's best.

I will let you read about it for yourself.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
I nearly overslept this morning!

What am I going to do when the blasted time "Springs Forward" next weekend?!

I was looking over some of my blog stats. I've had some really impressive numbers lately and wanted to thank all my new readers for stopping by. I can see the cities you are reading from and I'm impressed that you found my little blog.

Thank you for reading and stay tuned!

~En-JOY!

Journey Of Self Improvement 2014

It is obvious that 2014 will be the year of self-improvements.

Step One: Remove negative issues from my life. 
I have dealt with one of the biggest negatives in my life. My hoarding cumplusion. The clutter was choking the life out of me. My first two weeks I worked at really evaluating "the stuff" I had acumulated and deciding what was really important. I also let go of clothes I had been hanging on to. If I am committed to staying this size, it was time to let my size 20's/ 16's/ 14's all go. Hell, I may chuck the 12's this week just to make room for my new stuff.  Out with the old, in with the new.

I have a more positive frame of mind now. I had always looked for the positive, but let others bring me down. I was sinking in a dark hole. But I see the light again. It is allowing me to move forward and make the positive changes that I need.

But until a judge signs my divorce, I can't truly be done with this step. 

I have learned that D/H may have actually left me, after 17 years. because his mistress of just 5 months is  pregnant.  Caught in the classic white-trash-marriage trap! What a situation to be in. And that would make perfect sense. He may be irresponsible as crap, but he was loyal to his offspring. No one will confirm this, for fear of further breaking my heart. God love my friends. When I had to have my hysterectomy, it nearly killed me. D/H did not understand. All he thought about was finally having access to guilt-free, responsibility-free sex. Guess that's over now. What an ugly baby that's gonna be. I have a friend, another blogger named Gibby, who found out that her  husband was not only having an affair, but the mistress was pregnant. She sent them a baby gift.  I'm not sure I could do that.

 Sorry, following that negative rabbit trail again.

Moving on...

Step Two: Take Control of my health
I've been trying to do this one for a while now.  Getting old really sucks but I know many people far older than me who are in better shape now than when they were in their twenties.  Now that my goal weight is well within sight (dare I set a new goal for 10 more pounds?!) I thought I'd better start firming up what is left. 

 I thought a good place to start would be my backside, that is steadily sliding down the backs of my thighs. I already suffer from Noassatall, so I need to do what I can to stop it's descent. I can hear it now "Grandma, what is that on the back of your knees?!"  "Oh nothing dear, that's just my ass"

I forgot to pack my workout clothes. After a quick dash home to change,  I was 15 minutes later than expected and found my trainer standing in the door. He had thought I chickened out.  I was really looking forward to this, but didn't really know what to expect.  Back when D/H was working out, he would suggest exercises then leave me alone to actually do them.  Having someone standing over me, counting, encouraging me, spotting me, was all something new.

I first did a circuit of machines to help strengthen my legs: leg extensions, curls, and the leg press machine. I was familiar with all ot them. The tops of my thighs burned after just a few reps.  I thought the leg press machine was loaded too heavy, but my trainer was confident I could do it, and I did. But each time I got up, my legs felt like limp spaghetti. 

We finished up with squats, with 20lbs on the bar.  These were far harder than anything else I had done. I was all swimmy-headed after each set.  We were going to finish with lunges, but I think that I may have scared him a little because he told me to go home, stretch and rest.  I could barely get out of the car when I got there, but I slept like a baby.

Today, I am sore.  But I am not sore in the places one would think I would be sore.

The back of my neck hurts from the blasted bar! Like the hurts-my-neck-for-my-collar-to-rest-on-it kind of hurt. I had a coworker check for bruising and swelling. I had made my trainer put the pad on it before I started. I can only imagine how bad I would have felt otherwise. So I'm holding my head funny and walking around gingerly, so as not to jar it. I've even had to take the necklace I wore off. The weight of it on the spot is unbearable.  Curse you Mr. Trainer Man!

My lower extremities feel fine. Hardly sore at all, except when I start to sit down. Then my thighs remind me of what I had done.

I will have to report back as things progress.

In the meantime, I will be icing my neck

~En-JOY!

Weekly What I Wore

In this week's Weekly What I Wore, I am still struggling to find pants that both fit my new shrinking waistline, and are long enough to fit my 5 foot 7 inch frame. I can find one but not the other. I'm also having trouble finding pants that aren't flared at the hip to accomodate a more ample backside.  The little flared bits of fabric flap out. It looks like I'm wearing jodpurs.

So I am still pinning my pants with the big safety pin, to keep them on my waist, and will head off after work to try yet another store.

I paired them today with a favorite shirt from, of all places, Tractor Supply!  I was surprised that among the animal feed and farm equipment, they carried some pretty cool clothes! The brand is called Bit and Bridle. The motif falls right in line with many of my "designer" tee shirts, at a third of the cost. Score!  The tee itself is a substantial weight. I'm sure it will face many washings and come out the other side unscathed. Wish I could say that about some of my other expensive designer tees.

I'm amazed at the difference I've seen in just four months.
Here I am in a similar outfit in November, as compared to today's photo. I can really tell a difference in my tummy area.  Yes, I realize that I'm wearing a crop sweater in the right photo, my hair was shorter,  but you can't deny that my face, neck and tummy all look thinner.

Super excited!

 

Well, thanks for reading, and a big "Hey Y'all" to all my new readers, where ever you are from.

OH and I always forget to do this! Post the link back to The Pleated Poppy, who hosts this weekly blog roll.

http://thepleatedpoppy.com/blog

~En-JOY!

Life Without TV

For two months now, I have been living without t.v.

 D/H disconnected the satelite package when he left and I just haven't had the time to have it reestablished.  Given their track record, I'm not certain that I am ready to deal with that headache just yet.

I really don't miss it much and I've realized that I don't truly watch it. It was background noise for the most part. I do kinda miss it on Sundays, when D/H and I would curl up on the couch and watch movies. That was part of our time together, just being close and watching movies.  Now, if I chose to watch a movie, I can pop in something from my ever growing DVD collection.

 I've realized that several movies I bought for myself have convienently disappeared, such as "Mr and Mrs Smith." I loved that movie, but not as much as he loved Angelinia Jolie, I guess.  (Given the manly apperance of the mistress, I know who he's really thinking about when he closes his eyes during their "alone time" to keep things going..LOL) So I've had to replace some of the collection. It made me a little mad, but given how he wastes money, I guess I shouldn't begrudge them a few dvd's.

I'm not up on the lastest news, but it was depressing anyway.  Ignorance really is bliss! I can get what I need from the internet every day.

Speaking of movies and news, I was a little sad to learn that Harold Ramis died yesterday.

He was the brains, and directorial talent behind many of the great comedies I grew up with such as "Animal House," "Stripes," "Caddyshack," and played "Egon Spengler" in the "Ghostbusters" franchise.

I have particularly fond memories of "Stripes," especially  of playing the "force field game" with my freshman crush. The neighborhood I grew up in bordered the local country club golf course. All my great childhood memories took place out on the golf course: from camo-covered bottle-rocket battles with all the neighborhood kids, to skateboarding the cart paths. We were  out in the fifteenth hole water shed. Those who have seen the movie will know that "the force field game" is a game where two people get as close as possible without touching. The catch is the first to break the force field is actually the winner. I remember the thrill I got when he broke the force field to kiss me. At about the same time, we were discovered by the younger neighborhood kids and had to go home.  Bummer.  But whenenver someone talks about the movie, I instantly think of that kiss.

I am able to watch my favorite shows, such as "How I Met Your Mother, " "Two Broke Girls,"  "Mike and Molly," "The Big Bang Theory," and "Criminal Minds," all on line for free.  These had been favorites for D/H also. He would DVR them and we would watch them together every week, right up until he left.

I DO NOT miss having to schedule watching them around wrestling, which comes one somewhere  every night of the week. White trash entertainment at it's best. That was one of the things that D/H complained about: I didn't like wrestling.  When he said that we had nothing in common, THAT was what he actually meant.

Now I am free to pursue more intellegent entertainment, such as reading. I listen to music and curl up with the cats and my Kindle. 

Silence truly is golden

~En-JOY!

Pity Party: Table For One

I had a great time over the weekend.

We celebrated the birthday of a friend at our local wattering hole.  I allowed myself a drink, or three.
Something fruity, and it sounded a little bit naughty: Sex on the Beach.  Not what I was expecting.
I thought it would be more like a pina colada: coconuty like suntan lotion.

Usually, I prefer Tequila Sunrises. I had ordered my first one back in college, based soley on the Eagles song and it has been a favorite drink ever since.

My Bloody Mary obsession is a hold over from college as well. I haven't had a decent Bloody Mary since the last ATO party I had attended. Tippin' my hat to a bartender named John, but the guys had called Scooter, who made the best Bloody Mary I'd ever had. I have never had another as good. Ironically, I ran into John again, when I was married to The #1 Ex. He had worked for the same company I did and was assigned to the same store set.  I wished I had gotten that Bloody Mary recipe.

But I digress.

What is it about being slighty tipsy with a group of your friends that makes everyone start to run off at the mouth?  Everyone started to talk about D/H and some of his antics over the years and why I had never caught on.

I found out that he had made a pass at one of them, in her home, while her husband (one of his oldest friends) was out of town on business. I found out that he slept with one my friends, at the home where she was sitting with her dying uncle. That there was photographic evidence on his phone of nearly every tryst. I found out that he had hit on nearly ALL of my friends. I found out that he was persuing anything with a pulse, throwing out passes to see who would return them. How funny that people are so willing to share now, after keeping his secrets for so long.

The subject of a football party in September was brought up. I had not felt well and had asked for somewhere to lay down. Because I couldn't watch the game because of "the jinx" anyway, it wouldn't have mattered if I had cat-napped or not.  The Host offered me his bed and closed the door behind him. I had laid there about 10 minutes when D/H had come in. He climbed into bed with me and began trying to undress me. I couldn't believe he would be so brazen! I was mortified! How DISRESPECTFUL! We were in someone else's house! In someone else's BED! How could he have thought so little of his friend by doing such a thing! I pushed him away and told him that this was just something one didn't do: don't disrespect one's friends that way.  He left in a huff, slamming the door behind him. What I didn't know, was that after he slammed the door, he addressed the living room of shocked friends with "Now you see why I cheat on her."

It's little things like this that make me glad that he is gone.  But my heart still hurts. I think it will hurt for a very long time. How do you turn off loving someone after seventeen years?  Seventeen Years.  Not seventeen days, not seventeen months, ...SEVENTEEN YEARS.

This coming Thursday, the 27th, will mark just two months since he suddenly walked out of my life, with no warning that there was any problem. How easily he had walked away from the life we had cultivated together.I am still asking myself why. I still don't understand how he could walk away so easily. like I didn't exist. I understand that he had "moved on", before he moved out, but I had not. I was very much in love with him. I guess that I still am. That is why this hurts so much.

How exactly does one "move on" from a SEVENTEEN YEAR relationship after screwing someone for only four (4, quatro, vier, fire, quatre, shi)  months? Does that even seem possible?

It's easy: COMMITMENT meant NOTHING to him. Commitment to me, commitment to The First Ex-Wife, even committment to High School Girlfriend. He was never truly committed in ANY of his relationships.

I've had someone say to me "Wow,  you aren't over that yet."  How exactly am I supposed to "get over it" already?  What kind of relationships do people have these days?  It was not a disposable relationship. It was not a fling. It was about more than just sex, like his current relationship is.  It was a commitment to one another. It was a marriage.

Everyone acts like I could just turn it off like a switch.  How exactly does one " get over" the person they loved for seventeen years? It doesn't happen overnight. Little things continue to remind you of things that you shared over SEVENTEEN YEARS: Songs on the radio, the dvd of your favorite movie, the recording of our wedding, different sights, and smells.

What kind of person would I be if I could forget D/H so easily?

Well,  I guess I could be D/H.

I think about the mistress. I wonder if she thinks about the part that she played in the destruction of our RELATIONSHIP of SEVENTEEN YEARS. Did she not consider her own actions, as well as his,  caused a problem with our relationship?

The relationship that I had with my husband, where I was blissfully unaware of her, or that he was even unhapp,y because he was still telling me that he loved me, trying to make love to me, or even just kissing me, all while lying to my face everyday.  How does one just cut off SEVENTEEN YEARS?  I wonder what she tells herself so that she can lay down, and sleep next to him each night.

It can't be the line that we were "the love of his life." He's sold that line to all of us. I found that he called also all of us "his beauty/ his queen/ his trophy."  That we all, in one way or another, had made him "the happiest man alive." I happen to hold the record.  I had done it the longest.

What kind of woman pursues another woman's husband? Apparently, a dilusional one with little or no self-esteem. She thinks so little of herself that she will "make do" with whatever comes along. That she would willingly pursue a relationship with a man, so willing to lie and cheat on the woman to whom he promised, before the Lord of Hosts, to love, honor, and cherish.  She is dilusional if she thinks that she can "change" him. She is dilusional if she thinks he won't do it to her too.

It is HIS pattern. It's just a matter of time.

It only took him SEVENTEEN YEARS to do it to me.

Pity Party: Table for One

Just Deserts

I've always loved the phrase "just deserts." 

It implies a sweet reward. Like crème brul'ee at the end of your meal.
But actually, the reward can be just as bitter as it can be sweet.

For too long, I have been focused on the bitter, negative turn my life had taken. I was spinning my wheels, trying to make things work. Single handedly. Marriage is work. But it takes both people working at it.  I had accepted that we would never be millionaires or even get ahead, but as long as I was committed to the one I loved, that is all that mattered.

We accept the love we think we deserve.

Well...

I deserve BETTER.

 

 

 

~En-JOY!