Tuesday, January 22, 2019

A Tale of Regret

I love it when my friends "tag" me in all the "runaway husband" stories. I have become the cautionary tale. The one who's husband walked out on her, for a woman he hardly knew.  One would think I am a little bitter (and there are times that I am) but I am also EXTREMELY grateful to no longer be saddled with the responsibility of a selfish, narcissistic asshole.


But this story hit kinda close to home. The similarities...married 15 years, both parties married...Facebook friends. spouse battling depression alone, while the other spouse ran around. 


So, in keeping with all the other posts I have made about cheating spouses. I thought I'd share this one too.  Few people cheating ever think about the consequences of their actions. At least this guy did.  Even if it is too late.


*********************************************************




This is a tale of regret.


"1 was married, had been with my wife for 15 years. Then I left her 2 months short of our 10 year wedding anniversary.
We were parents to two beautiful children,... who are in their late teens now, but were only seven and nine years old when I walked out.
I travelled for work, stayed in a different hotel at least three nights a week. That’s how I met Eve*.
We got to know each other over time. We became Facebook friends. We sent messages to each other all day and night. She was also married, also had two kids. We had so much in common, we soon fell in love. I felt like she 'got' me.
This was all during a very trying time in my marriage. I wasn’t happy, I didn’t look forward to going home. My wife had put on weight, we hardly ever spoke, she always looked so miserable.
Little did I realize that I was the reason she was so down and depressed. I didn’t pay her any attention. I took her for granted. I was too busy wishing my life was more exciting, being romanced online, spending all of my free time thinking how I could get out.
I believed she didn’t love me. I convinced myself she never cared about me or my needs and wants and wishes, that all I was  a paycheck.
She spent her free time taking care of us -- our kids, making our suppers, doing out washing, making lunches, doing homework, projects, shuttling kids to sport, taking care of the pets they loved so much, their friends, and had a job of her own on top of it all.
Every time she spoke to me, all I heard was nagging and whining. But she was actually begging for my attention: a weekend away, a date night, a movie -- everything I ended up doing with Eve behind her back and after I left my family.
We argued and fought because we felt unheard by the other. And yet that was all we actually had to do – LISTEN – to each other!
I moved to another province with Eve. My now ex-wife got custody of our kids. I saw them every second weekend, the usual 'Dad' set up.
New beginnings
Life was sweet!
Eve and I had an amazing sex life. A connection I believed I never had with my ex. We had a large circle of friends. My family loved her. My kids liked her.
But my ex could never bring herself to meet Eve – she felt betrayed. I hated her even more! She was childish. She was mean. She never cared about me or my happiness. I didn’t care about my ex’s feelings when I posted photos of us on Facebook… I had Eve and a whole new life and it was fantastic!
We were together for about six or seven years but never married – we believed marriage was not our thing.
I believed that after 15 years with my ex, we’d given it all we could and our time together was up, there was nothing we could do to salvage our relationship or marriage. Eve was my future, Eve was who I should have been with all along.
Eventually, no matter how well we got along in the beginning; no matter how well I thought she “got” me; no matter how good the sex was; the “honeymoon” came to an end.
Eve and I started snapping at each other. Little fights here and there. I had a moment of pure realization one night, at about 2am.
I realized that I missed the woman who created my first home and family. I realized that if I'd treated my ex-wife the way I’d treated Eve, used the hours I spend woo-ing Eve on my ex, she’d have bloomed.
If I’d stopped being negative about her and our relationship to my family and friends they wouldn’t have been so negative to her and she wouldn’t have pulled into herself and shied away.
She became someone I convinced myself I no longer knew or got along with because I never gave her the time and affection and attention she craved and deserved.
I thought I had, but when I got down and really thought about it I never really did. I never really let her in. I had ended my marriage years before with the simple decision that she was no longer who or what I wanted. And I’d convinced my family and friends the same – that she was no good for me!
Regret sets in
But I was wrong. I missed the best years of my kids lives. Missed being a family with them. I let their mother battle with raising them alone. Yes I helped financially, but a man living outside his family has no real idea what the costs are on the single mother. While Eve and I ate steaks on the weekends, my ex-wife was living on egg and toast.
And do you know that she never complained? She never demanded more money out of me. She never stopped me from seeing the kids. Never said no if I changed plans on her at the last minute. She gave up her weekends so that my mother could spend time with her grandchildren. She left me to get on with my life with Eve, even though it must have killed her.
Like any relationship, it had started out good – great in fact – but when it go bad I decided to leave… I walked out and divorced a woman who – and I can only see this now – would have done anything for me. But I’d told myself she wouldn’t or couldn’t.
My ex-wife stayed single for 8 years. She dated but never got involved. Her being single was also a kind of affirmation for me – that no one wanted her – that everything I’d decided she lacked, so did other men… She actually stayed single to focus on our children.
Too late
And then came the day she met Craig. I never thought it would bug me in any way if she got a boyfriend. I thought it would be great! But I was very wrong. I felt hurt. I felt jealous. I even felt angry and maybe betrayed.
She moved in with Craig, along with my kids. She set up a new home. A new family, with my kids… it was a very bitter pill to swallow.
I finally understood how she’d felt all these years. And it felt rotten.
I watched via Facebook and through conversations with our old mutual friends how Craig spoiled her and the kids. Their weekends were spent on the beach – he surfed with my son. They went hiking in the Burg. They went to Mauritius where he proposed on a kayak and she said yes -- they got married.
My daughter was a bridesmaid. My son was a groomsman. Craig’s parents and brother welcomed my ex-wife and children into their family. They told everyone how blessed they were to be gaining them as family.
She glowed with happiness. She radiated love and none of it was for me! My heart felt like it had been ripped out.
It should have been me.
Don’t be me. You think you will never be happy when you are in a rut. It is when you are there at your darkest that you need to grip down and try your hardest.
Today I live alone and still only see my kids occasionally. They are big now and harbor anger towards me for leaving them and their mother. Who can blame them?
Of all the things Eve was, she was never the mother of my children – my original true love."
"HOPE this helps a few marriages, Love and appreciate a Good woman"

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Posting For A Friend

Ever since I was duped into believing that the scrub I had married was truly in love with me,  only to find, soon after he left, that he had numerous affairs, did I vow that I would do my best to educate those around me to the narcissistic and sociopathic habits of those types of men.

I came across this video today, an interview by Megan Kelly with Jen Waite, author of A Beautiful Terrible Thing on how she found her own life turned upside down.


The doctor interviewed called his behavior "textbook."

Indeed.

She is almost telling my story.  Well, outside of having a baby.

Like when the "outside party" calls her and confirms what she had been fearing to be true, that she cried "tears of joy" because all the craziness finally made sense.  Just like me.

I had long suspected something was not quite right but I had (blindly) trusted someone who had once admitted to cheating on his first wife.  I was nothing like his first wife so I would be silly to think he would cheat on  me.

 Ha Ha Ha...silly girl!

Men Never Change.

Pick up your copy of A Beautiful Terrible Thing at a bookstore near you.

Friday, January 11, 2019

Melancholy Milestones

It's January 11th.

Once upon a time it was a happy milestone. It was the day darling hubby pushed his way into my life.

January 11, 1996 was a Saturday. I had just broken things of with my first serious relationship since my divorce. Julz was at her dad's and I was home alone.  My mother had called me and asked me to go with her to see the new film "Jerry McGuire," After the movie, I drove her home and turned to get back on the interstate. It was early. Like 7:00 ish. As I approached the interstate ramp I asked myself if I wanted to spend another night at home alone. I could go left and go home, or I could turn right and drive out to Hoover and go to a popular night club.  Left or Right?  Left or Right?

At the very last minute, I decided to go right. I will have a drink, I thought to myself. If I run into anyone I know, I may have two.

The moment I walked in, I immediately ran into two friends from home and we set about enjoying ourselves. After and hour or two, me and the other girl decided to go to the ladies room and ran into another group from home. I am standing there talking to them, when darling hubby takes out his wallet, open to a picture of Tigger, then maybe 3, and KitKat who was a little over a year. He thrust it at me, between the heads of his friends and says, "THESE ARE MY KIDS!"

The rest, as they say, is history.

It was going to be our meet cute that we eventually told our grandchildren.

We told this story countless times. I always said jokingly, that I married him for his kids.
We even won a "newlywed" contest at the church Valentine's banquet with it.

Our story

January 11 was a big milestone.

And fittingly, January 11 was also the day five years ago, when darling hubby drove away from our home with the last of his belongings hastily thrown in a U-Haul van.

I sit here, reminiscing, and for the first time in a long time. I am not holding back tears.

I guess I am growing.

Thursday, January 3, 2019

You Dropped The Bomb On Me Baby

One of the ladies I am in a support group with posted this article on the group page today.


Thought I'd share it too.


~EnJOY

Friday, December 28, 2018

Happy Birthday Tigger!





Happy birthday Tigger! I miss you so much,  I hope today is a good day.


~Mom

Thursday, December 27, 2018

Happy "Anniversary" Baby

It is the five year anniversary of my husband running off with some woman he worked with at his part time job. The same woman he lied to, and told his marriage was in trouble. 

The same one who he had, just a year before, asked if was a man or a woman, as she took our KISS tickets at the VIP gate. He later surmised that, since most men don't usually have roses tatted on their leg, surely MUST have been woman. 

The real trouble with his marriage was that he had not discussed anything about being unhappy, and wanting to move on, with his loving and devoted wife. He continued to  kiss me hello and goodbye, and make love to me for four more months, all while he spun an intricate web of lies to cover his tracks. That is until the day he kissed my lips goodbye, and moved out while I was at work. 

Whatever. 

I am certain that, by now, his intricate web of deceit has collapsed. As the past has proven, five years is about his limit. People were starting to catch on to his stories, and question me about them. That is probably why he relocated to somewhere no one knew him. 

People came out of the woodwork to tell me how much better off I would be without him, including members of his own family. How no one could believe I had settled for him and how long he was able to carry on his masquerade. I can say, my life did improve once he was gone. 

He is her problem now. Thanks for taking him off my hands. 

I have been able to finally heal my heart. Having always been a loner, being alone is easy for me. I will never let myself be so taken in by a good story, that I forget that I am my own best company. Anyone who I let into my life now, is there simply because I want them there. 

That is why I am excited to report that things have come full circle. But that is a story for another day.

Now here is a little ditty that I came across five years ago. It fit the situation back then so perfectly.
And it's funny, so I will leave it here for you now. 

Joey and Rory's "Cheater, Cheater"

~EnJOY
 









Monday, December 3, 2018