Wednesday, December 12, 2007

"Smiling Bob" Must Die

(Repost...originally written & posted on Myspace on date listed below)Wednesday, February 21, 2007

"Smiling Bob" Must Die

Okay, raise your hand if you are sick to death of "Smiling Bob." Don't act like you don't know who he is…anyone who watches television just one continuous hour (even if it's just once a week), will see him at least once. Yes, he's the guy who's taking a little pill to "help" him along. Well, if I had my way, Smiling Bob's days would be numbered.

A couple of things bother me about Bob and the otherwise unnamed, "Little Mrs."

1) If my wife looked like that, I'd need a little pill too. That was ugly, yes, I know, but you'll just have to judge for yourself. They don't exactly match. You know, they don't look like they should be a couple. (Don't pretend you don't play this game too.) He looks like he might have been a jock once, and she looks like a mousey computer nerd that may have caught him drunk (& maybe passed out) at the Senior Skip Day party, did the nasty just that once, and was soon having a lovely, shotgun wedding, while his bleach-blonde- bimbo cheerleader girlfriend cried on the back row.

2) Bob eerily resembles Diedrich Bader. He's another one that you know, even if you don't know his name. He was Oswald on "The Drew Carey Show" (one of my favorite shows by the way…love that Drew Carey!) He was Jethro in the new "Beverly Hillbillies" movie. In fact he was Jethrene too, which is partly why the resemblance to Bob creeps me out a bit….Smiling Bob, in a dress, with Little Mrs… Need I say more?

3) In all the scenes, no matter where they are, the Bob's attract quite a bit of attention. It seems that all the neighbors know what's going on at the Bob household. Little Mrs. must be a screamer.

4) That incessant whistling theme song! I thought the Andy Griffith show theme was hard to get out of my head! I catch myself whistling that blasted little tune all the time.

Smiling Bob is not the only commercial that raises my hackles. Commercials for all of the "E.D." medications seem to be popping up (pardon the pun) at ever turn. One that I find particularly funny is the one where the couple walks into the surprise party. Yeah, he looks surprised alright. His expression up to that point is "Gonna have sex, gonna have sex … D'oh! People in my house!" I laugh my evil little cackle every time!

What disturbs me most is that someone, some where decided it was okay to talk about "E.D" on television! There are just some things that need not be mentioned outside the four, lime green walls of your doctor's office! For the record, I am equally uncomfortable with "feminine hygiene" commercials. I don't want to be thinking about someone's period while I'm eating dinner either!

Someone needs to do something, and it looks like it has to be me.I knew I had to start the campaign to evict Smiling Bob and all his flaccid friends from our airwaves when my 11 year old asked me what an "erectile" was! I knew that there was no way to delicately answer this question my baby girl had asked in her wide-eyed, innocent way. So like any good Southern lady, confronted with an uncomfortable situation, I promptly fainted.

Those of you who know me well, know my stand on E.D. medications. I am a firm believer that God created man and woman to naturally "wind down" with time. Hormones drop off and they can enjoy peaceful life as they enter their sunset years. This is why women enter menopause and the urges naturally dwindle away. They no longer have to be bothered with "marital service" and they can occupy their time with gardening and knitting and holding up lines in the grocery store. E.D. medications upset this delicate, natural, balance.

I have friends (all guys, by the way) that tell me that I am just jealous that there is not a little pill for women. (There is one by the way, it's called NYTOL…if you crush it up really well, it blends into nearly everything!) Perhaps they are threatened by the thought that they will actually have to hold a conversation with their partner one day, or horror of horrors, just cuddle. Yes, guys, there is more than one way to be intimate. Perhaps they are threatened by the fact that one day, Mr. Johnson will no longer be needed, and thus they are no longer a true "man."

Being a true man has nothing to do with appendages or how well they work. In my book, a true man is one that knows and respects God; is loving, faithful and respectful of his wife, dirty laundry and all; puts his family first, keeping a roof over their heads, and food on the table; thanks God daily for all He has given him.

So I will begin my letter writing campaign to rid our family viewing time of 'Smiling Bob" and all his sex-obsessed buddies. Perhaps I can get enough people to join me.

By the way, a common side effect of E.D. drugs is "temporary blindness." See, just like your mama told you…too much sex really WILL make you go blind!

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