Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Bigger and Better!

It had been six months since  the man who was my husband walked out. An event that took me so by surprise, that I honestly didn't think that I would survive it.  Like having my heart ripped, still beating, from my chest.

He left for a woman that he met working a concert nearly a year ago. Actually, I am pretty sure that he first saw her at the KISS concert in 2012. We went in through the VIP entrance, because of the flooding. A rude, deeply unattractive dumpy woman with a mustache, took our tickets. When we made it through the gate, he had turned around to me, laughing, and said "Was that a man or a woman?!" Indeed! Now  it   is the "love of his life."

They say the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Many people have told me that. Actually, it is greener where you tend to it. My guess, from an outside observation, is that the grass over there is quickly dying.

Oh yes, I have had more than one occasion to see him lately. I doubt he has seen me (or even recognizes me), because I have had some pretty good vantage points from which to observe. He not only looks miserable, he actually seems to be miserable too. He has aged overnight. And looks awfully unhealthy.  I knew him during the prime of his life, so I know what he looked like when he was healthy and happy. I also know when he's "playing happy," which he is pretty good at. He can convince anyone for a little while. But I know that he is not happy with himself. Very sad.

I, on the other hand, have come out the other side so much stronger, I am really surprised by how much better my life is right now.

I have never been in better financial shape in my entire life.  Even though he and I both made decent money, we always seemed to struggle. I am now paying the mortgage all by myself. That comes as a big suprise, after struggling to pay it with two incomes for so long. As a matter of fact, with two, equal incomes, we were barely scraping by. There were times that we weren't making it and had to lean on others. Now, with the exception of that very first week (when he left owing nearly $800 in deliquent utilities) I am doing it all on my own now. with no problem.  I wonder, even now, what he was doing with all of his money.  I hear that he has decided to 'be responsible" now. What a good life we could have had if he had made that decision years ago. We would have cleared 80k this past year. A comfortable, stable life. But the gambling,  the pay day loans,, the premium cell phone and cable packages, and the "get rich quick" schemes frittered it all away.  I'd add the drinking in there, but he always found a way to get our "friends" to pay for that. Even the part-time job he took to "help out" would only pay once a month, and then only enough to cover his gas to and from the event (and actually, I gave him gas money to get to it).  Responsible? Well, he was when we started dating. Of course, as all his exes can attest, that will be short lived  and soon he will fall back into an old pattern. Football season starts in 61 days, and with that, the gambling will begin soon enough. No one can "change the stripes" on that tiger. 

I am healthier than I have been in a long time. I am thinner than I have been in almost 20 years. I eat right and cook something healthy nearly every night. I'd say I've reduced stress in my life, but my stress actually walked out. I am working on lowering my blood pressure. A great deal of that is heriditary. But it is at least now under control. I could never afford my blood pressure meds while we were together. Oh I could at first, but the strain of having to come up with monies for groceries or bills, or gas for all his flitting around, my meds eventually fell by the wayside. I had begged to quit my job to get my health under control, but he was unwilling to do what needed to be done so I could stay home. But life is so much simpler now. I am happier with what I have, what I do,  and I am now healthier for it as well.

I am learning to do things by myself, for myself. And I am happy about it. So far I can cut the grass, weed eat, move furniture, sit around the house, go out to dinner, go to a movie, go on an adventure, all by myself. I laugh at myself too.  I have friends that I can share with, friends that have come back into my life now that the negative, draining influence is gone. I can go where I want, when I want.  I can only imagine how it must feel to have to account for every minute of every day, down to the second, and having to be followed around, because my partner not only doesn't trust me, but also because she knows what was done and said to the wife while  hiding the "relationship." It must be stiffling to think you have " taken control" of your life, only to inadvertently reliquished it to someone else.  How does anyone stand being controlled like that?! 

I have a friendly relationship with a great guy, who cares for me. It's only been a few months. I'd be stupid to think that we were "in love" so soon (or heaven forbid, want to move in together), but I could see me falling for him easily. I care for him, and respect him. But he shows that he is worthy of respect, and shows that I am worthy of it too.  He makes me laugh. He works very hard, and always wants better for himself.  He loves his children. He is responsible, trustworthy, secure, level headed, and many other things.. So many things that a man should strive to be. He is also patient. He knows I've been lied to and manipulated by someone I trusted implicitly, burned by someone I had loved with all my heart. He knows that I was let down by a man I should have been able to rely on, and he steps over himself to keep from letting me down himself. He is okay with my quirks, and ticks. He finds them amusing, if not endearing. ("here's one for your OCD" he often says) I am learning to trust again.  Where this relationship goes, only time will tell, but we have a good start.

Oh yeah, bigger really is better.

I'm living life large! It's too short to live it any other way.

I look forward to the next six months, and where they will take me.

Happy Anniversary to Me!

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