Tuesday, February 11, 2014

At Last: Positive Changes

Since I am determined to put more positive energy and thoughts into my life, I have been seeing more and more positive changes! I could see where negative engery was crippling me and now that I have removed it, things are getting better fast!

First, now that Darling Hubby has paid the attorney, things will be over relatively soon.  This was the biggest negative thing in my life. Regardless of how positive I would be, he'd always find a way to bring us down. He could find the negative side to every situation. I understand that he is under the impression that I want him back, and just because I am still wearing my ring, that is supposedly a sign of that. I have always said I will stay true to the vow I made to him before God, even if he did not.  That is the kind of person that I am. That vow meant something to me and to honor it, until a judge tells me that I no longer have to, is a small sacrifice. Then I will put my ring away.

I went to church for the first time in years this past Sunday. I went to my aunt's church, because I had heard good things about it. I didn't catch up to her, but enjoyed my time, sitting myself. I could focus on the experience.  The worship music, all mentioned "joy." The message about not worrying seemed tailor-made just for me. I came away refreshed and renewed.

I've lost nearly 20 lbs since December 27th. I am now just three pounds from my 140 goal weight. My cardiologist is going to flip! Unfortunatley, I still can't get off the blood pressure meds because something small with happen and send it soaring (like the nasty message D/H sent yesterday) but hopefully, it won't be long. I am eating healthier than ever before and I don't have to worry about my healthy snacks getting eaten up while I am at work.

It has made me stand straighter, walk taller, and find my "sexy" again. I had gone through a program about "finding your sexy" several months before D/H and I got together. It had boosted my confidence and self-esteem with positive affirmations and changing my thought processes to more positive ones. I need to find that program and go through it again and remind myself of who I am. It had been the best part of my life. I know that D/H had seen that all those years ago, and that was what drew him to me.

I'm not sure I really want to date right now, because it is still fresh and tender, but I have had some men show some interest in me again. Nothing serious, just offers to meet for coffee, dinner, or drinks. D/H had "moved on" long before he ever moved out. For me, he ripped my heart out on December 27th, so I'm still healing. But I have had some really nice conversations with some men that I have known for a while and that gives me some hope that someone will care about me again.

I am having fun again. I used to have "fun" until D/H would get so drunk that he'd start making obnoxious comments and being hard to contain. Then I'd go into "momma mode" and have to treat him like a child.  Now, I can laugh and cut up and dance and have a good time and not worry about what anyone else is doing. I had forgotten how funny drunk people can be, when they are not your husband!

I'm becoming comfortable with being by myself. I used to not be able to sleep when D/H and the kids were not home. I guess that happens when you depend on someone. But it is becoming easier and easier to be alone, to do things without asking or check in with someone.

I don't have to have any background noise any more. I used to sleep with the tv on, just to have some noise. I admit, the first few weeks, when I got still and laid my head down, there was a cacophony of sound that would ring in my ears, making it impossible to sleep. Voices and noise, like a recording of the conversations of the day, replayed all at once. Like the scene in "What Woman Want" when Mel Gibson is first hearing the women's voices all around him. They are finally quiet, and I fall off to sleep quite easily.

I am very relieved that I am not running into D/H and his mistress when I am in Walmart, or the Chinese restaurant, or my favorite Mexican restaurant.  Thankfully, he has no reason to come back to our hometown, not that anyone here wants to see him anyway. He's cut all ties with his friends. Back when we would run into his ex, he would try to keep the pot stirred by making up things to tell me about her. This was to make me mad and keep an annimosity between us. I bet he's doing that with his mistress now. 

I already know that she is very jealous of me...my looks/ my weight/ my job/ my money beause of things he has told our friends. But given his flair for the dramatic and ability to lie his way around it all, I'm not sure how much of that I'd believe.  He had once told me that The First Ex Wife had said something along the lines of  "I told you that you couldn't do better than me" to him about me one of the very first times she saw me. I had the opportunity to ask about that too, and of course,  she never said anything of the sort.   I think that he did it so that he'd have the "two women fighting over him" scenario. I once had a guy tell me that nothing turned a guy on more than two women in a cat fight over him.  When we were first dating and he was going to the gym, I could see that. Not now that he is overweight and paunchy, not so much. I hear from the nudie pic (I know, classy, right?) on his phone of her that he's been trying to show everyone, that she is too. I'm told that she has quite the belly-apron hanging over her va-jayjay too. Sounds like they are made for one another.

For some reason, the procuedure I had on my chin keeps getting brought up. I'm not going to lie. People have told me that it took ten years off my looks. I don't regret it one bit. NOT ONE. Knowing now that he would have used that money, and still left me anyway, makes me glad I spent it on myself. I don't feel the least bit selfish.

As Valentine's Day looms at the end of this week, I am a little meloncholy. Each year D/H would use part of his tax return to buy me flowers, candy and a bear. It may have just been a sham, something to keep me hooked, but always made me feel special to have that delivery come to the office.  I am going to miss that gift come Friday.

But anything that I get from here on out will be sincere. Not just something to placate me, and keep me hanging on until he had used me up, 'til there was no more life left in me.

Looking forward to my new, positive, life ahead


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