Saturday, March 1, 2014

Lazy Saturday

Today is another lazy Saturday.

I slept all the way to 7:00 a.m.

Though I didn't drink last night, I feel hung over and I am sore all over.The tops of my thighs  and my butt ache, even when I'm sitting still. Trying not to move at all is a goal. My trainer is a sadist. There was a new exercise where I lay across a bench, with my legs hanging off behind me. Then I raised my legs as high as I could. So now I have a bruise across my pelvic bone too. It was hard to concentrate on isolating my rear because I felt like I may fart at any minute.

That reminds me of the first time Darling Hubby visited me at my house, just a few weeks after we started seeing one another.  He was going to sit in the floor across from me. He bent down, and when he did, he let one rip. He froze. I froze. After a few tense moments, I spoke. "It's okay. That's one of those embarrassing things that we have to get past. And now it's over. We got it out of the way." It was one of my very favorite stories. It was a truly real moment, and he had been so vulnerable and embarrassed. But it was just another cute thing that happened between us, that helped me fall in love with him. Oh well. Again I digress.

I went through the Saturday morning routine that has become my ritual: dusting, cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming, laundry. I'm putting off the catbox for as long as possible. As usual. I hate that job. But I know it has to be done and with no one else here to do it, it falls to me. "The Bucket List" is providing my background noise today.  I keep rewinding it (Do you rewind a dvd? Of course not, but what other term should I use?), so I can I watch key parts. Problem with this movie, they are all key parts.

For the first time in two months, I don't have plans for tonight. I'm kinda relieved. An old friend tried to get me to go out with her last night, but I just couldn't muster the energy after my sadist... er...trainer  and I worked out. I barely got out of the car and practically crawled to the door.

I don't remember how I survived the partying when I was younger. I just know that I did. The never ending hodge-podge of people and places. Constantly in the presence of others, so I wouldn't have to be alone with myself.

But a person must learn to be alone and be happy with themselves first, before they can ever expect to be happy with anyone else.

That is the lesson that I am learning now. How to be alone and content.

I guess that I had been practicing the last few years of our marriage. Darling Hubby would watch football on the big tv in the living room, I would watch old movies in the bedroom. He always got to watch the big tv. I never understood that, and it was really selfish of him to expect it but I would always relinquish it to him. Sundays, we would always come together on the couch to watch a movie or old  reruns of shows we used to enjoy growing up. We'd also watch current shows that he had recorded on the dvr. We had several throughout the week. I miss those times. So simple, but it had meant a lot.

It has been a hard habit to break. Expecting someone else to be there to make me happy. But that is not the answer. You must be happy first. Then whatever happiness you find with someone else is just gravy. So True Happiness was within me all along. I had to find JOY within JOY!

Tomorrow I will try a new church, just up the street. I had heard very good things about it. I need  to make my way back to God.  I had put Him in a box and put Him away on a shelf. I had always blamed D/H for that, but it had been my own doing.  I never felt more joy in my life than I did at the time I was in true fellowship. I love praise music. It is uplifting and that is just what my spirit needs. I need to be bathed in The Word again,

 I had always known that I was saved, from the very first moment that it happened. The feeling of peace that day, the Tuesday before Easter the year I turned 12, was so overwhelming there was no doubt. Peace, that passes all understanding.

Seeking peace in this and all things.


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